Love is one of the most scandalous words ever created for man kind. It is abused, misrepresented and filled with huge expectations. 

It can build a person up or tear a person down. When you expect love to fill your broken places, it’s the wrong kind of love cemented in insecurity. 

It’s been known to cause wars, I would know because like the song Battleships by Daughtry, (I’m kinda, sorta a huge fan), 2017 had been filled with landmines and battles. My husband and I called for a cease fire through counseling and sitting in our pastor’s office.

For 18 years love had filled my sense of self worth–until it didn’t.

Our vow renewal in 2015. A real wedding with a real wedding dress.

Our issues started in late July, defined by a one act which also shed light on skeletons long hidden and shared with brutal honesty.

Love had left me with skinned knees, bloody hands and broken trust. Love left me feeling like I wasn’t enough.  Love left me contemplating divorce.  It also gave way to intense insecurity. 

And that’s the thing, insecurity will kill love. It will come in like a Trogen horse, destroy everything in its wake and leave you with P.T.S.D.

One such moment revealed that I was walking wounded which I affectionately title:  “How to completely lose your mind and damage your marriage.” 

With my husband’s permission I get to embarrass myself. 

How I completely lost my mind. 

Bullets were flying from both of our mouths before it was time to go to our Bible Study groups.

After Chris left, insecurity gnawed on my heart like a rabid dog and that’s when I saw his Bible study book”Every Man’s Battle” on the book shelf.

Like any loving wife, I set out on a sleuthing mission (a.k.a stalking) to ensure he was indeed at his study group at church. A phone call or text never crossed my mind, so I cruised through the parking lot, slouched down in my seat just in case anyone saw me. After the fourth round, his truck was no where to be found when I remembered we share our locations with each other. Following Siri’s directions, I was led to a lovely cul-de-sac with his truck in the drive way. In fact, it was the only vehicle parked in the driveway.

Here in our small town, you can tell which house is hosting a church group by all the cars taking up space on the streets which is why I was convinced our marriage was over.

When he came home, I confronted him. “Why weren’t you at small group?”

“I’m confused, I was at small group.”

“No you weren’t (insert expletives). Your book (insert more expletives) was on the bookshelf,” I snarled as I held up his book. Before he could say anything else, I informed him of my stalking  detective work. 

He waved the white flag and asked me to drive him to the house where I had “found” him and that’s when I realized my facts didn’t stack up.

The truck was gone but I still had a photo of his “location.” He let me rant before he unraveled the rest of my detective work.

“The group was moved to the leader’s house. Mike gave me another book because he didn’t know I had one. Now let me show you something, drive to 34th street.”

We cruised by the house where his Bible Study had taken place and that’s when I realized the GPS had been about 300 feet off of his exact location. In fact, the house where I “found” his truck shared a fence line with his house he was actually at. He then pulled the other copy of his book out of his jacket. 

In my defense, what are the chances of two identical books, two identical trucks, a shared fence line and inaccurate GPS?

Just saying…it was a lesson well learned and one I won’t soon forget.

I learned right then, the enemy will turn up the heat and play on our insecurities and weaknesses. Especially when you’re working hard to build a love built on God’s foundation instead of your own. 

 My new mantra goes something like this: “Love is patient, kind, trustworthy, not self seeking. It does not dishonor others nor is it easily angered. It rejoices in truth, it always trusts and hopes and perseveres. It never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, paraphrased.)

So here’s what I learned:

  1. Do not let insecurity reign. I can’t say this enough.  Insecurity is a form of fear and it’s defined as feeling insignificant, a lack of confidence or a powerful fear of rejection. Who you believe has the greatest power in your life will determine who you are. Always remember the greatest power you live for is the Lord your God.
  2. Bind up your wounds. Sometimes you have to shove aside what you see in front of you to find the root cause. Look for a common denominator of your issues. What are your destructive behaviors and tendencies? Another’s actions are not the issue, it’s your unhealed wounds. Insecurity was an infected, open wound because I never prayed for healing.
  3. Prayer is vital. Prayer creates humility, intimacy and full dependence on God. It allows us to put ourselves in his hands to build trust and growth in ourselves, marriage included.
  4. Do not trust GPS. Trust God, he’s more accurate anyway. Stalking can land you in jail.  Instead lean on the trust you have in God. Stand on his word filled with promises.  Then trust God will work all things for your good. He is faithful, dependent and solid.
  5. Assumptions are the mother of all mess ups. Need I say more?

Chris and I can laugh about the moment now and can I just say, “Thank you God for making me a writer instead of a detective?”  I’d probably land in jail or get fired.

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