I sit here in the quiet madness of only a saved person feels when all that she has done is not enough. Here am I juggling to be good, lead, do better, strive harder, chasing God while feeling so empty inside. And here am I…hiding a dark secret. Etched into the laugh lines around my eyes are furrows of worry, of weakness. In the canyons of my worry lies the belief I am not enough. Try harder, do better, be better.
Looking into the mirror, I see past mistakes, reflections of those who still paint me as the old me, and unforgiveness of the fresh mistakes that bleed my heart dry for acceptance.
Little mama, I’m guessing if you know what I’m talking about, you too are worn out. You too, are tired of fighting the good fight. As I stare out into the setting sun, a whisper hits me, “Live Loved.” Live loved…. two words sucker punch my soul, opening my eyes to the realization that I’ve adopted this attitude of “I’m so broken, I must try harder, be better” for God to love me. But I hear another whisper, “We love because he first loved us.”
Live loved because he first loved us.
How are you striving to earn the favor of Jesus? Don’t you believe he loves you? It rests in the thought, “I am not lovable,” because you and I are so both frail and worn. We question if Jesus hears our cries for the will to fight, the will to believe, the will to love. When I hear live loved, realization dawns through the darkness clouding my heart. Realization I need to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus because I am so loved, Jesus was glad to die for me.