I’m trying to capture into words the experiences of 2014. In some ways it was absolutely life changing, chain breaking and monumental. Other moments were like standing in the middle of hurricane facing the wind as parts of my life were obliterated, smashed to tiny bits.
Our 15 roller coaster years of marriage turned into a vow renewal ceremony,
moments of seeing the gospel lived in real life in the Philippines,
a book contract promised and then broken.
Finances straining into ruin.
Speaking into the lives of broken women
….and shedding light on trying to be a mother while fighting a drug addiction.
As I stood in the middle of the debris, I was astonished to find I had a brand new view. The horizon held breath taking hues of hope and white space centered on God. And there, I found myself as he took my hand, leading me through the wreckage to embrace what was left. Myself—the girl he created. The girl with a wild heart who loves to laugh, to share God’s joy, who can’t resist a good bottle of merlot, the cheerleader, encouraging friends hearts and dreams. The girl whose heart aches for young mamas, new in their role, the mom who loves her 3 uniquely different kids. The girl with a broken past who was made new because she fell in love is Jesus.
There I found out why God leveled the foundation.
Somewhere in the midst of building a life with Jesus, insecurity rotted the frame and it needed to go.
There he led me to the truth with Jesus at last supper before he headed to the cross. But first Jesus did something stunning. He washed His disciple’s feet.
Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. (John 13:3-5).
Did you catch that? Jesus was confident in his identity. He knew who he was and that enabled him to freely serve. True confidence leads to service. And God was asking me to step out of the shrouds of shame of my past to embrace others. Ashamed I kept struggles and trials to myself. Insecure—I pulled the shades, locked the door and posted the best of reality on Facebook. Insecurity does just what it sounds like. It turns us inward and we focus on ourselves, our bodies, the scale, our house, our talents, or lack of.
Insecurity is really just another form of pride. In its effort to pull us inwards, we try to perfect the outside, puffing up ourselves so that we seem bigger so we feel safe. But isn’t life meant to be lived to it’s fullest as if each day is a gift?
Don’t look within, look up instead.
And in order to believe that, in order to believe what God says about us, in order to fully embrace friends, family, community—we need to look upward instead of inward. We need to remember truths:
We are wonderfully made
He has a plan for us
He created us for relationships
One of the biggest lies of the enemy is telling us– we don’t have anything worthwhile. And we do, little mama—God says you do and he says it’s good.
As I stood in the bits and pieces of 2014, God whispered something profound, “Insecurity scatters, confidence gathers.” He wants us to have confidence he created you perfectly. The confidence of being wonderfully made and that we have eternal value shatters comparison, lies, and insecurity. And it was here where God began to rebuild my heart and set the stage for 2015.
Ah God—he knew the yearnings in my heart, to see my brand new farm table full of friends, coffee spills, prayers prayed. Bellies and souls nourished. My deepest desire – community. And the mission of 2015 – Gathering around the table. I won’t live behind insecurity in 2015, I refuse to hide behind shame and I won’t close the doors of my home or heart.
So what about you?
Go ahead, try it. Step into courage and out of insecurity. Open the doors of your heart, throw wide the gates of your home and serve your friends, your littles, your husband, your community. Gather around your table. I’m ready to take the risk and try 2015 differently. Will you try it with me?